Rave's Lizard Tales....
by Raven007
Summary: A strange take on the Mighty Ducks. Containing more crap than one story should ever be allowed. READ IT!


**Once upon a time…**

__

Note:

I don't rate my stories, but just so you know; this one has Drag Queens, homosexuality, fornication, S&M, coarse language, violence, nudity, lots of bush, IKEA and grilled lizard. So if any of this offends you, get a life. 

Also I thought I should let you all know that this story is dedicated to my awesome friend Jason, who is more like Duke than anyone I know; and his experience with the drag queen which inspired this story. Heeheeheeehee…/I 

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, lived a beautiful queen named Latoynisha (actually Latoynisha was not always a queen… she… he used to be ye' olde village blacksmith named Earl. That is until Earl discovered that he was a woman trapped in a man's body and got some very costly surgery from ye' olde village Wiseman / plastic surgeon.) Anyway, back to what I was saying, before, Latoynisha. Now, Latoynisha had just hooked up with this duck who she considered her prince in shining feathers and… …

Wait, hold it. That's a bit far into the story… why not begin at the beginning… … … .. 

Ahem…. 

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a Saurian by the name of Dragonaus. He was not a rich Saurian, or a popular Saurian, or a gifted Saurian, or a young Saurian, or a polite Saurian, or a nice Saurian… In fact he was kind of a mean Saurian. Actually he was such a mean Saurian that one time he even hit a guy with glasses on. 

Now, Dragonaus lived in a very large house at the top of a very large hill, near a not so large village called Anaheim. Everyday Dragonaus would wake up in the morning, grin an evil grin and smile his fanged smile into his new IKEA bedroom mirror. He would think to himself, 'how can I make the people of Anaheim suffer today?'

You see, he hated the citizens of the village of Anaheim because they had refused to make him their king. Instead the people had chosen a grouchy but over all decent man named King Klegghorn to rule over them. So needless to say Dragonaus was a little cheesed about the whole deal. After that he vowed to make the people of the village suffer, and so far he had been doing a good job of it.

With the help of his henchmen he had brought violence, terror and IKEA products to the good and passive people of Anaheim and eventually kidnapped King Kleghorn in the dead of night. (Told ya' he wasn't nice!) 

Upon kidnapping Klegghorn, Dragonaus left a note telling the people of Anaheim that he would return the king and send all the IKEA furniture and accessories back if they would allow him to rule as king. Dragonaus said that he would even allow Kleghorn to be his advising court jester who didn't really do advising, but sure did a ton of jestering. . (Kinda like vice president only the advising jester doesn't do anything but act like a jerk, and no one really pays attention to them or remembers who they are… OK, exactly like vice president.) 

The Anaheimians… Anaheimites… Anaheiemons… oh forget it! The people from Anaheim were distraught and filled with woe, (and a flask or 2 of malt liquor). They could not let Dragonaus lead them, but they really wanted their king back and the weird Swedish delivery men to leave them alone. Whatever were they going to do?

Predictable scene change:

Not too far away from Anaheim, but far enough away that they could be totally oblivious to whole situation, sat seven ducks. These were no ordinary ducks, but human hybrid, alien ducks with good looks and a flair for action. Yes, these were none other then the Mighty ducks of Pondwood forest, a rogue band of creatures that did not steal from the rich or give to the poor, or live in a forest. In fact they were not very mighty either so in retrospect it was a really stupid name, but they didn't much care seeing as they were all bloody alcoholics anyway. 

The leader of the group and the only one who ever went on beer runs was a duck named Canard. In his possession was a magical mask that allowed him to see though clothing and also gave him the ability of being forever hard. (If you don't know what that means… you're a little young to be reading this…) 

Believe me, no one appreciated Canard's ever hard quality like the teams second in command and Canard's boyfriend WildWing. (Even though he swore up and down that he was straight and he and Canard were just good friends that slept together to alleviate tension.)

The others in the group were WildWing's little brother Nosedive, your basic 'cute as a button, dumb as a stick' type of guy. 

Next in line was Mallory. She could out drink anyone on the team, but she always seemed to have bad PMS, so at an early age she developed an addiction to several pain killers that should not have been invented yet. 

Then there was Grin, who was very in touch with his inner duck and was the best in the group at just about everything that required strength or eating. 

Tanya was the groups colossal genius and resident bi-sexual. She was also the one who mixed the best drinks, and just for that fact alone, nobody screwed with her… ever. Except for Grin and Mal, but she liked that… (it's a different kind of screwing people… wake up!)

Last of the merry ducks was Duke. His passion for picking fights and taking things that didn't belong to him was surpassed only by his libido and ever present need for female flesh. 

Ok, so Where was I before I got lost with introductions? Oh right…. All seven ducks were sitting around in a happy little valley getting sloshed beyond recognition. 

"Ya wanna know what, Canard?" WildWing asked groggily from his position curled up at Canards feet.

"No, what?" Canard asked lovingly. 

"Thish is the besht day hf my life," he slowly crawled up to cuddle next to Canard, "I wuv you… but don' tell no one, I'm straight 'member?"

Canard took the tall, white duck into his arms, and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, "I remember, Wing…" He then looked up at the other four ducks who were looking at WildWing and laughing so hard they could hardly breathe. With a glare that could melt steel he silently told them to get the hell outta there so that he and Wing could have a little fun… or something.

Nosedive made small gagging sounds in Canard's general direction but walked off with the rest of his friends just the same. "Now what?" he asked hopefully looking at Tanya for an idea. 

"Now, well… we.. Uh, we…"

"Go shopping!" Mallory chimed in, her voice having a lethally happy edge to it. "I need to pick up a new dress, some shoes and an… oh god, I'm so fat!" Her happiness turned to tears as she flung her arms around the nearest drake and began to cry her eyes out.

Unfortunately, the nearest drake happened to be Duke. "There, there sweetheart," he said softly stroking her red hair, "I don' think yer fat at all."

Mallory looked up into his eyes… er… eye and smiled a little, "really?"

Nodding promptly he smiled, "'n even if ya' were I'd do ya' anyway."

Her eyes turning the color of her hair, she took a step back and in a voice that could have belonged to the devil, screamed, "flesh craving heathen!"

There was hardly time for Duke to look shocked as Mallory… (who shall be referred to for the moment as she who cannot be named) struck Duke across the face with her foot. Mallory's face began to writhe and contort in anger.

Duke screamed like a little girl, went flying through the air and smashed into a red wood tree. He thought he might have been dead for a second, but based on the throbbing in his body, he quickly established that he was alive, some what well, and in a hell of a lot of trouble. 

She who cannot be named stomped to where Duke's nearly broken body lay, it was then that she burst into tears again, "I'm sorry," Mallory (who can be named again) sobbed as she tried to pick Duke up. His back was broken in three places and he and a bad concussion but through the magic of my literary talents (stop laughing) he stood up and was as good as new. 

Meanwhile Tanya and Grin had taken the idea from Canard and WildWing and they went off to have a quicky in some nearby woods. They had asked if Dive wanted to come along, but he had just looked at them with a mix of fright and confusion and shook his head. So Nosedive had decided to stay with Duke and be his back up should be he need it. Luckily for the idiotic blonde drake, Duke seemed to be doing alright. 

~*~

Now how does all this tie in with the whole Dragonaus / Anaheim thing? Well you see at that moment, wandering precariously through the woods, was one of Dragonaus' henchmen, The Chameleon. Draggy (as he liked to call him, but never to his face) had sent Chameleon into the woods and valleys to look for a shrubbery. Drags (as I like to call him, and always to his face) had told his henchman that he planed on using the aforementioned shrubbery in a form of torture against King Kleghorn.

Chameleon had no idea how a bush could be used for torture, but he figured that if it could be used a quest item in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, then there must be a way for Draggy to find something sinister to do with it. So he'd walked around all day looking for just the right bush, searching high and low, and even asking a few women if they had any bush he might have. He was surprised how many times he'd gotten slapped for that. 

It was then that the odd looking lizard stepped over a branch, fell on his face and landed at eye level with a very promising shrubbery. 'Hummm…' he thought as he prepared for a very short inner monologue, 'it looks green enough, and alive enough.' Chameleon got up and examined the bush in further detail, 'it's lush and full of life and beautiful,' that said he promptly transformed himself into a massive hulking lizard and heaved it from the ground.

Turning to walk back to Anaheim, the Saurian swore that he heard something, stopping in his tracks he cocked his head to one side and listened again. 

"Yeah, perfect."

There it was! A moaning sound… more in pleasure than in pain. 

"Oh yeah, that's great, just like that."

"Ow, it's so hot."

Thoughtlessly he started to head towards the sound realizing a few seconds too late what was making it. "Ohmygod!! He screamed, as his eyes fell on Canard and WildWing.

Both drakes looked up at Chameleon in shock and a little embarrassment. 

"OHMYGOD!!" The lizard screamed again, louder this time. 

"OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!" With those words he dropped his bush, and ran back to Anaheim in fear and loathing.

Hearing the commotion, all the other ducks (save for Tanya and Grin who were still getting it on) ran into the clearing ready to open up a can of whoop ass if need be. They stared at the two fully clothed drakes in confusion. 

Canard looked across the fire at WildWing and dropped the piece of Barbecued lizard that he had been enjoying. "Poor guy," he said quietly looking down at the pieces of well cooked reptile jerky, that he and Wing had been making over the camp fire. "I think we scared him to death."

Getting shakily to his feet, WildWing walked over to where Chameleon was standing and picked up the shrubbery. "He dropped this."

After Canard had explained what had happened to everyone else, they decided that since they were out of booze anyway, they should return the lizard's bush to him. After all he might have been on a holy quest or something!

~*~

Dragonaus was waiting for Chameleon to return with his shrubbery so that he could get to some serious torturing. To him the act of torture was more than an evil villain career move, it was a thing of beauty and something that needed to be done with both creativity and class. Ooh yeah, he was big time into S&M. Grinning with lizardly glee, Dragonaus thought of torture as he sat on his large throne over looking the village on Anaheim. 'Soon my plan will be complete,' he thought happily. 

"Dragonaus…" began his second in command, Wraith.

With a cold look, Dragonaus frowned at the wispy, frail wizard, "what have I told you?"

Sighing deeply, Wraith rolled his eyes and hung his head, "when your plotting maniacally, I am to address you as, his royal majesty of dark, bad, not very nice things, named Dragonaus."

Dragonaus nodded and then motioned for Wraith to continue.

"His royal majesty of dark, bad, not very nice things named Dragonaus," said Wraith in a somewhat restrained voice.

"Yes?"

"The Chameleon has returned."

His royal majesty of dark, bad, not very nice things named Dragonaus, was ecstatic. "Excellent! Now my evil plan can come to fru… fru… fru… oh damn it! Wraith what word am I looking for?!"

"Fruition, my lord." 

"Yes… fruition… thank you."

"Anytime, Lord Dragona… I mean his royal majesty of dark, bad, not very nice things named Dragonaus."

With the flourish of an 10 foot tall Broadway star, his royal majesty of dark, bad, not very nice things named Dragonaus, skipped down the hallway of his very large house to the waiting Chameleon. This was it! His moment of triumph! As he rounded the corner that led into the main entry of his home, his exuberance died. There was Chameleon looking very shaken and winded, but he had no shrubbery to be seen. "Where is it?!" Dragonaus who'd stopped plotting so his name had changed back, bellowed. 

"I… don't have… it," the small henchman panted as he attempted to catch his breath. Chameleon had run about 25 miles in under 10 minuets, which is apparently standard procedure in cartoons and fanfics, but no one had bothered to tell him that. 

"What?!?!" Thundered the enraged wannabe king. "You couldn't find a single bush!?"

"I found one," Chameleon began his voice taking on a dreamy tone, "it was perfect. Nice green leaves, healthy foliage and great root structure. I believe it was some type of evolved dieffenbachia…"

Dragonaus cut him off, "Enough!" Taking a few deep, cleansing breaths just like his therapist had taught him, the massive lizard sighed. "Then why isn't the deffen… deaffin… dilfin…"

"Dieffenbachia," Chameleon stated quietly.

"Yes, thank you… dieffenbachia. So why don't you have the dieffenbachia with you then?"

At this Chameleon burst into an uncontrollable fit of tears. "They…" he sobbed, "they… ducks… snake… eat… roast… horrible!"

"Sit down Chameleon," Dragonaus said with practiced patients, "and start from the beginning." 

~*~

Now the ducks had made it to the village of Anaheim in record time, due mostly to the international botched fairy tail transit system, and were busy exploring the place and looking for Chameleon. 

They had tried to separate into search teams, but neither of the women had wanted to go with Duke, and Duke refused to go with Canard who he said was using the mask to see the contents of the front of his pants. Tanya had demanded the she go with Mallory and Grin otherwise she would never make anyone another martini again. Mallory wanted to go on her own because she was not feeling very sociable, and Dive had said that he was not going with anyone who would not let him stop in at least every store in town. WildWing and Grin both didn't care who they went with so long as it involved them getting to look really tall, and macho and what not. 

After about 10 minuets of this, Canard was ready to kill someone and it took a purely plutonic neck massage from WildWing to calm him to the point of reason. "Alright," he said finally, looking at the grumpy faces of his all friends, "I am going to go with NoseDive, Duke and Grin are together, Tanya and WildWing, and Mallory is fine by herself."

After a few shooters, everyone seemed OK with that and they were about to head back out into the village when a huge hole opened up and swallowed Canard. Luckily he had taken off the mask and handed it to WildWing so that he could do body shots off of the cute tavern keeper.

Everyone was upset, WildWing was depressed and morose but he took the mask anyway, and time marched on.

About 2 minuets later, after everyone had dealt with themselves, and Wing put on the mask:

As the small pairs of ducks wandered through out Anaheim they were shocked to see that almost everyone living in the place seemed downcast and ready to kill themselves. "This can't be right," said Duke to Grin as they meandered around town square. 

"Well as my old drinking partner, Tae Quack-Do used to say: The healing power of prunes is something one should never take for granted." Grin grinned proudly.

A slightly confused expression enveloped Duke's face as he attempted to make sense of what his friend had just said. "Yeah…riiiight." It was at that moment that Duke laid eyes on one of the sexiest women he had ever seen in all of his 20 (more like 40 but don't tell him that) years. She had beautiful caramel skin, curly black hair and a rack that would make any Baywatch chick turn green with envy. 

In his most studly fashion he sauntered over to her and smiled, "hey sweetheart, I never knew angels flew this close to town square."

The woman blushed and rolled her eyes as she offered her hand to Duke. "You so sweet."

Kissing her hand, the drake smiled, "what's your name angel?"

"Latoynisha," she said smoothly with a shake of her ebony curls.

Impressed with the fact that he might score, Duke placed his arm around her shoulders, "I'm Duke."

Grin watched Duke with the woman and smiled as he wondered whether Duke knew or not. He decided that the answer to that was most likely no. 'I should save him before he embarrasses himself,' Grin thought. Looking at Duke whisper something in Latoynisha's ear, he rolled his eyes as the words of his great drinking partner came to his mind. _Man who go to bed with drag queen wake up with big surprise._' It was in that moment that Grin decided it was time to let Duke make his own mistakes, Karma or not… this would be funny as hell. 

Small narrative moment to get things moving on:

The rest of the ducks had regrouped by this time and had found out all about who Chameleon was as well as about the missing king from the village idiot named Phil. 

NoseDive bought about a million things at all the stores including a big plant pot for the bush that he had been forced to carry around. 

Duke and Latoynisha had not gotten the chance to get it on yet, because at the last minuet Mallory had found him, and drug he and Grin back to join the rest of the group, with Latoynisha in tow. 

Due to the excessive begging from Phil, (and the promise of a $1000.00 in booze) the ducks decided that they would go to Dragonaus' place and rescue King Kleghorn. 

There, now back to the story already in progress:

Chameleon, Wraith, and the other henchman - Siege, were sitting around a small wooden table in the dungeon of Dragonaus' house. They were attempting to play strip poker, but all were quickly discovering that it was not as fun to play strip poker without a member of the opposite sex removing her clothing. 

"This is bunk," siege declared in his usual gruff and angry voice, "there ain't no point to playin' if I ain't gettin' no action after the game's over!"

With a sigh of boredom, Wraith placed his long robes back on and adjusted the seems accordingly, "I agree."

Both of the Saurains looked to Chameleon for his opinion, and were shocked to see him sitting there in his pink thong underwear with a dreamy smile on his green face. There was a glazed look in his eyes and a small drool bubble was beginning to form upon his lip. In a rhythmic motion, Chameleon swayed too and fro to the soft calypso music that was being played by German reggae band that Draganaus kept around to change his oil. (I don't know what it means either.) 

"Chameleon!" Siege snapped, clapping his large hands in the air above the smaller lizards head.

Leaving his trance Chameleon looked around, startled. "Huh? Who? What?"

"You were in a daze," stated Wraith.

Chameleon could not take the lies anymore. "I'm in love!" He yelled, "sweet, sloppy, love!"

The other two Saurians were more than shocked. "with who?" 

"Dieffenbachia…."

The German Reggae band began to play a sappy, romantic song as Chameleon told his friends about the leafy love of his life. 

~*~

So the ducks, Phil and Latoynisha had made it to the Dragonaus' pad and had snuck past the guards at the door by dressing as members of various boy bands. WildWing, who made a pretty nasty looking Justin Timberlake, decided that it would be best if they split up into groups so the story can move along faster.

It was decided that Duke and Latoynisha would take the bush and return it to Chameleon; Mal, and Tanya would rescue the king; and Dive, Grin and Wing would bust a cap in Draggy's ass. Phil decided to remain in the hallway so that he didn't piss himself.

And so it came to pass that on their way to return the bush, Duke found himself aroused and made a very indecent proposal to Latoynisha. Naturally, she accepted and with in seconds the two of them were making out like 2 rabid lemurs on a Cypress tree. 

Placing a hand on Latoynisha's thigh, Duke soon discovered her 'concealed weapon and pulled it from her black garter belt. "A missile?" 

Latoynisha hung her head and began to speak in a thick Russian accent. "Yes… is true. I vas 'ired to kill you and you friends by big American movie star, _Emilio Estevez."_

Duke looked at her in horror, "Emilio… Why?"

"Copyright infringement. You are making killing off Mighty Duck name and logo." Latoynisha then looked up to Duke with tears in her big, brown eyes. "But I cannot do it. I 'ave fallen in love with you, Duke!"

"I…" Duke didn't know what to say, so I guess it's a good thing that right about then some weird 60's music started to play and Austin Powers materialized from nowhere. 

"Hey, that was pretty groovy… baby." That said her picked up Latoynisha and carried her off in his arms to star in his next movie; Austin Powers: The Queen who Scronked me. 

Duke was so upset over the loss of his very own Russian spy that he dropped the bush and blew himself up with the missile. 

Meanwhile…

Mallory and Tanya were on their way to rescue the king and feeling very heroic and more than a little tipsy. So tipsy in fact, that Tanya stopped to have a quick conversation with a bedroom door. However, soon they were on the move again. 

In classic cartoon style, everything got all eerie and spooky as they arrived at the door to where King Klegghorn was being held. 

"So, uh, how do we get in?" Mallory asked as she pulled out her puck blaster and took a moment to look all bad ass for the camera. 

Tanya pushed on the door and it swung open. "Like that." The writer really didn't feel like writing a huge scene about them opening the door.

"Oh."

~*~

Busting a cap in Draggy's ass was going to be easier then expected thanks to Dive's bright idea about going in and shooting him while he was on the toilette. WildWing and Grin had the job of distracting the henchmen.

"Are you ready," WildWing said darkly to Grin. The larger duck nodded and taking adeep breath in pushed the 'play' button on his large boom box. The sound of heavy bass and synthed background music burst forth from the speakers.

Grin and WildWing leapt from their hiding spots in a closet and into the main hall way.

The 3 Saurain henchmen turned to them and stared, open mouthed.

Both Ducks began to gyrate their hips and move to the beat. 

"I'm doin' this tonight, You're probably gonna start a fight. I know this can't be right. Hey baby come on." WIldWing sang, doing his best Justin Timberlake.

Grin joined in with his best Lance Bass, "I loved you endlessly, When you weren't there for me, so now it's time to leave and make it alone. I know that I can't take no more, It ain't no lie, I wanna see you out that door Baby, bye, bye, bye…"

Siege ran to their feet, followed by Wraith, and soon they were both screaming and sobbing like school girls. Chameleon, on the other hand, fell to the ground holding his ears… if he had ears. Nsync was his Kryptonite.

Needless to say, none of the lizards noticed Dive pull his blaster, sneak into the bathroom and shoot Dragonaus square in his over-inflated, egotistical head.

~*~

Mallory and Tanya sighed as they continued walking down the long hallway with Klegghorn. He was gibbering like an idiot and more than a little delusional. Dragonaus had given him half a bag of 'magic' mushrooms before leaving for the bathroom, and the Anaheim king was more than a little high. 

Suddenly Klegghorn stopped in his tracks and grabbed Mallory's cigarette lighter. Striking a dramatic pose, he began to speak into it. "Captains log, we are… orbiting around a strange… lifeless planet. The away team is…. missing, we've lost Riker and Whorf…"

Tanya snatched Mal's lighter. "Give me that, freak!"

Mallory burst into tears. "I love that lighter…" 

"Aunty Em..?" Asked Klegghorn, looking up at Tanya. He then looked to Mallory, "uncle Henry..? I was off to see the wizard… I had these magic shoes." Klegghorn attempted to click his heals together three times to go home, but fell on his face instead. "Ow."

Quickly, Tanya kissed Mallory and made out with her until she felt better. Then they gathered up the drooling Klegghorn and went to find their friends.  


~*~

WildWing and Grin had just finished signing autographs and were on their way back to the entry way with Dive in tow. Halfway there they met up with Malloy, Tanya and the stoned Klegghorn. No one noticed duke was missing. 

Phil, who had left the entryway to watched the mock concert, offered to become Grin and Wing's musical manager, and lead them on an endorsement filled road to success, and several treatment centers. 

Mallory married Wraith, who upon discovering that his new wife was a basket case, magically invented Midol and soon after Viagra.

Tanya and Grin started up a swingers club in downtown Anaheim called the 'swap and stop.' Both now lead very successful lives a porno stars while Siege manages their business. 

Dive started a lucrative career as a hit man, and through an amazing turn of events, wound up the head of a Mafia family in upstate New York.

Chameleon found the dieffenbachia in the hallway. The 2 of them have 4 children and are doing just fine. 

Duke is still dead. No one's noticed.

_Emilio Estevez's _whereabouts are currently unknown, however he is assumed angry.

And everyone lived happily ever after. (Save for Austin Powers who received the shock of his life.)


End file.
